a noob’s advice in overwatch

the overwatch open beta is on now and you should be playing it, then buying the game, because it’s legitimately great.

unfortunately there’s also 21 heroes in the game. i’ve seen em all, and i’ve played em all (except mercy), so obviously i am now qualified to write this guide on how to counter each hero. getting stomped by one single opponent? this is what you do vs:

bastion – stop running in front of him, idiot. get a genji to deflect kill him, get a widowmaker to snipe him, get a pharah to blow him up, or failing all that, just wait for him to ult and get his “because obviously” play of the game.

d.va – if a dva is owning you i really don’t know what to tell you. shoot at her, she feeds ulti charge bad. when you see the defense matrix turn on dont shoot at her. when the screen yells at you FUCK OFF SOMETHIND BAD IS GOING DOWN do as it says and you won’t get nuked. if you think a dva is the problem theres a good chance you’re wrong and need to see who else is with her.

genji – he’s only that mobile to a certain degree. try to avoid being on your own, or if you’re a sniper, use your traps/vision abilities more selfishly to know when he is coming. he can only zip in or out – not both unless he’s super good with his dash.

a good genji – cry.

hanzo – never stand still. never run through the choke he’s spamming his infinite arrows through. never stay in one place for long because he’s probably got his wallhack on you. never run in a straight line so he can’t scattergib you. when he starts screaming get ready to make 90 degree angles from the dragon of doom. so what CAN you do? apart from switching to widowmaker or reaper, i will refer you to blitz’s advice about techies. you have to pretend overwatch glitched and deleted your hero, or you will tilt.

junkrat – haha. if this guy is grenading you, get higher than him. if he is still grenading you, jump a lot and avoid walls. if you are a pharah who just shifted and he grenades you just applaud, man. also when you hear the tire, start shooting at the ground around you. either you will kill the tirebomb or someone else will kill you before it does, which is way less embarassing.

lucio – this guy is slippery and bizarrely tanky, like it feels like he is a lot harder to kill than other 200HP heroes. control him or use something with an aoe. try to pick him off first so his friends are easier to shoot and die faster when you hit them. if he shields them up, uh, welp, its a good thing you’re right in the middle of all of them right? don’t you get a shield too? RIP

mccree – ok. two rules with mccree. no jokes, completely straight. 1) keep your distance. he can still shoot you but the right click hurts real bad up close. 2) please make sure you can hear game audio so when he goes ITS HAHHHH NOON you can hide in the nearest trash barrel. when the kill feed shows his kills (do turn that on btw) you can come out again.

mei – you do not counter mei because mei is bae. mei is love, mei is life. whatever she is trying to do you should allow.

it’s weird, it’s like they can’t die. it’s always someone different every time   GODDAMN MERCY/ZENYATTA. SHOOT THIS FUCKER ON SIGHT. mercy can’t heal herself, only the turds she follows around. zenyatta is slow and made of paper.

pharah – pick up a widowmaker or a boring: 76 and pluck her out of the sky when she hovers. or, alternately, watch the killcam in awe as you try to figure out why your pharah ults are never that goddamn lucky.

reaper – don’t be alone. don’t allchat about what a dick reaper players are. abuse vision abilities so you know where he’s coming from and drop him from distance. when he starts insisting you all DIE, DIE, DIE, i mean my best advice is just to go with it. it seems important to him and you’ll respawn anyway right?

reinhardt – switch to mei. wait for him to put up his barrier and lead his friends to you. put a sideways ice wall under him. watch the panic ensue.

roadhog – shoot at him until your ulti is full and then use ulti. repeat.

soldier: 76 – remind the soldier: 76 picker in all chat that he is a boring bastard who was presented the men in black weapons closet and chose an uzi. hopefully he’ll become so ashamed he switches to a pharah, at which point you switch to soldier: 76 yourself and own him repeatedly.

symmetra – first, die to her turrets in order to find them, then go back, die to them again trying to kill them, go back again, die to ganji trying to kill them, go back again and finally blow them up. works for me.

torbjorn – i am a dick to torbjorn. if he is building a turret blow it up. don’t move – don’t fucking move. watch that torbjorn til he builds another turret. blow up that turret. you’ll probably kill him in the process eventually, and that is when it becomes someone else’s turn to play Tickle Torbjorn.

tracer – in most situations the counter to tracer is to shoot her. she dies in a flash, or if she doesn’t she gets scared and recalls away because she dies in a flash. but if a tracer keeps stopping you leaving your base the only counter is the good ol leave match button.

widowmaker – run someplace else, moron. if you suspect she’s gone wallhacks just hug your nearest reinhardt. if he’s on your team you’re safe. if he isn’t you won’t die to the widowmaker.

winston – his barrier isn’t good. blow through it and then shoot him until your ult is full and then ult him and take the control point. gg. if he ulted and dove on you you shall be avenged.

zarya – for the love of god do not let zarya accomplish anything. if she actually does stuff she can use her get-fucked ultimate and your whole idiot team will clump together for it and OH ON THREE! THEY’RE ALL DEAD


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