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SPOILER WARNING

SPOILER WARNING

SPOILER WARNING

okay now that that’s out of the way let me get one more thing out of the way. and i promise this one will be so much shorter than the novella i spammed out about avengers.

i think i can sort of see what the end goal was with jurassic world. the movie went out of its way to feature kids, specifically kids who are all about dinosaurs–honestly, what kid isn’t all about dinosaurs–and apart from being maybe a little bit bloody for this, introduced a new generation to the universe of jurassic park. maybe they’ll want to go see the original now or something. maybe the studios are hoping for more of these monstrosities. oops, i did mention spoiler warning right? because right there was a gigantic spoiler which is that this movie earned a completely solid NOPE/10.

sigh. welcome to my little piece of writing about jurassic world. it’s called “hello, movie–can we talk?”

A HA HA HEM.

hello, movie–can we talk? i have a few questions.

are you a family-friendly romp about a pair of brothers who get themselves lost in a dinosaur park, even facing deadly peril, but through the power of sheer Brotherness and cleverness and stereotypes, make it out, all the while dealing with their parents’ impending divorce? hm, no, can’t be that. you dropped the divorce angle as suddenly as you threw it out at us, and people are eaten on screen, this isn’t exactly kill bill but no, movie, you are too bloody for that. too many adults in adult situations turning into red fountains. including even the badass arab(?) dude.

you know, movie, i respect you for that on some level. too many movies are squeaky clean. killing off good characters. nice job. i liked him and he didn’t deserve what he got–such is chaos. but you confuse the target audience if that’s what you are.

are you a self-aware parody of how over-the-top the entire jurassic park thing is? you certainly evoke “jumped the shark” by having the shamu-saurus literally breach and eat a great white. yeah, ha, ha, i get it, you’re in on the joke too. but everything else about this movie is taken so seriously that i can’t buy that nonsense either.

are you a deeply sexist tale of a Cold Hearted Ice Queen getting her comeuppance? you certainly set yourself up that way. the aunt who only wants to look like she gives a shit about her family, who doesn’t want a family of her own (imagine! the horror! *distinct wanking motion*), who is all business all the time, always about figures, always about maximizing the “asset,” and always has to be in control? no, she didn’t get any kind of comeuppance, despite the beginning of this movie being man after man after her sister after man berating her for daring to care about her career. only the assistant got actually punished here. so…. what was the point of all that abuse she took in the beginning? poor movie. what did some ambitious redhead do to your writers?

then without warning you decided to actually turn her into, not the hero for sure, and we’ll get to dinostar lord, don’t think i missed that shit. but you turned her into someone we’re supposed to be rooting for. and ultimately we do root for her. there’s that legitimately touching scene with the dying long-neckosaur and she decides she is actually a character who feels things and does things and cares about people. just like that it’s that easy. the plot needed us to like her so we do now. i am on to your bullshit, movie.

are you a war movie? and if you haven’t seen jurassic world you just got really really confused. let’s back up a minute for those folks who wandered in here by mistake. i spoil the ending later by the way guys.

there’s this guy who’s basically a discount donald rumsfeld and wants to militarize the velociraptors that chris pratt’s character has been training. he thinks they follow orders, which is the most foolish crap i’ve ever seen a movie character convince himself of. so when the guy who i guess is the president of the company? dies in a helicopter crash (seriously) he moves forward with this using the raptors to hunt the Big Bad Escaped Dino. they are joined by the Keystone Kommandos.

are you a war movie? that’s certainly a battle scene. we recruit, we make battle plans, we ride into the fight on goddamn motorcycles, all of this complete with a hummer and the armed-to-the-teeth InGen Mall Cops shining their red laser dots all over the jungle.

pause.

WHY WAS IT NIGHT ALL OF A SUDDEN? ALL MOVIE IT HAS BEEN BROAD DAYLIGHT. SUDDENLY IT’S PITCH BLACK. WHAT HAS THE BIG BADDIE BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME? CONTINUITY: LESS IMPORTANT THAT BADASS RED LASERS AND NIGHT VISION SHOTS.

and then you turn briefly into an all-infrared cam found-footage jumpscare movie as the raptors turn heel so fast i didn’t have time to shout BAH GAWD in the auditorium. because the baddie has velociraptor dna in it. so it can talk to them. and is now their alpha by default. fuck you, movie. you’re just making shit up to see what you can get away with at this point.

are you a Kaiju movie? specifically, are you a Godzilla movie? i’m curious because at the end of the day claire just releases a FUCKING

TYRANNOSAUR

INTO THE PARK TO KILL THE THING THEY CREATED

AND THE TYRANNOSAUR IS STILL

LOOSE

AT THE END

AND NOBODY CARES

NO ONE

EVERY THING IS COOL. WE GUCCI BOYS. IT’S JUST OUR OL PAL REX DEFENDING THE PARK. HE GODZILLA ROARS AND EVERYTHING.

what?????????? and no, you aren’t even a godzilla movie. the t-rex is almost killed until a velociraptor–how many raptors were there exactly? i lost count after hogan’s heroes and the baddie killed like seven of them. anyway the velociraptors decided they actually didn’t want to kill dinostar lord after all because reasons okay keep up–until a raptor out of fucking no where distracts the baddie long enough the t-rex can fight it again. and does the t-rex win? fuck no. bullshit wins. suddenly shamu-saurus just randomly shows up and HE wins. (cinema sins shows up with a DINGGGG! Water dinosaur ex Machina.) fuck you rex. all you did was accidentally fight next to its pool.

and fuck you movie for thinking you can get away with bullshit like this. i just laughed. i couldn’t help it. it was an embarrassing ending. “we set loose a t-rex to kill the other thing we set loose and it backfired but we still got the outcome we wanted through sheer dumb luck and also t-rex is godzilla now.”

you’re not a romance of course, but all big movies have to have a romantic subplot, and when claire shoots the pterodactyl (i think) off of dinostar lord and then they just straight up kiss i nearly walked out. give me a break. seriously break my bones instead. at least then i get some time off work.

and can we talk about chris pratt for a second? he was the biggest badass and the voice of reason and all of those character tropes but he did all of this while still being star lord. he was the naturist survivalist ex-military starlord but come on. i like chris pratt. please do not type cast him. i also like star lord so please do not rudely shove him into everything chris pratt is in. thanks in advance. (not you, movie. you did both of those things.)

are you a shut off your brain and watch the dinosaurs movie? honestly, if that was the plan maybe you should have made the dinosaurs, you know, make sense. are the velociraptors dangerous to dinostar lord or not. are they on the baddie’s side or not. are the raptors actually even good hunters or not? seems like good hunters go for the kill when they’ve surrounded their prey, not sit around and wait for the prey to challenge them to a rock-off. can the baddie detect thermal radiation or not, and i ask this because dinostar lord and claire survived by sitting very very still and focusing on not falling into the [BREATHING INTENSIFIES] trap. oh it can camoflage itself too, so it will do that in one scene brilliantly and forget it knows how. every quality the baddie has makes exactly as much sense, and lasts exactly as long, as the “the kids’ parents are getting divorced” subplot. HEY YEAH YOU FORGOT ABOUT THAT DIDN’T YOU. THAT WAS IN THIS MOVIE. THIS MOVIE.

there is one thing that you consistently did, movie, and it is through this one thing that you fail yourself and your franchise’s legacy. you embodied the most tired theme in sci-fi: “science has gone too far this time.” we shouldn’t play around with gene splicing–we are not god, we can only create monsters that kill us. we shouldn’t militarize nature–it will just turn on us. usually this theme shows up as “we shouldn’t make AI because it will overthrow humanity.” etc. humanity, you are just plain old shittier than nature and your attempts to conquer it will only end up in you conquering yourself.

that’s right, this theme is so goddamn old it’s what brave new world is about. c.s. lewis–yes that c.s. lewis–wrote an essay about it. (which Thrice then wrote this incredibly badass song based on. i love that song so much you guys. we LAUGH AT HONOR AND OUR SHOCKED WHEN, WE FIND KNIVES, IN OUR BAAAACK<3)

the reason i hate this is not that it’s such a bland theme to build a story around, it’s that every other movie in the jurassic park franchise did it, and did it so much better. even the bad ones. by borrowing the same thematic elements from its predecessors, and then cramming them poorly into what’s already a turducken of shit, you have offered nothing to the JP legacy that many people connect so deeply with except for….. well, a turducken of shit.

at least you weren’t boring, movie. i did want to fast-forward several times when characters started arguing about their past relationships when there’s no reason to even care about their current one yet, but at least you weren’t, on the whole, boring. so thanks for that i guess.

sincerely yours, and please go away,

steph haus

so there you have it, that’s my letter to jurassic world. i’ll conclude with what i said to my wife on the way home.

i think that’s the most a movie has ever made me sigh in exasperation. and i’ve seen every last resident evil movie.

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